I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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