Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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