well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
we should paint friendship bongs
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