Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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