At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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