I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
