This girl is more easily done than said...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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