Heybabeimwearingurpanties
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
