New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think a kid would responsible me up
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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