You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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