I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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