Someone shit on the floor
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
