How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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