what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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