Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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