dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
