How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
