Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
