take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
