it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
