i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
