not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
