At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
