need another drink. this is the easiest way
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
