In the future we'll all be gay
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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