People in love make me want to vomit
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
