Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
