i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
