Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
