I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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