I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
