Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
