I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
