if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Randomize
