What did we do last night that was yellow?
i think i have two assholes
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
