Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
