dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
