I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
