why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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