Rock
Scissors
Fuck
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My balls are so social today.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
