For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
