those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
