chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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