i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
