The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
