It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Hippo gnu deer
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize