Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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