Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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