and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It's never too late to be topless.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
