I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
