haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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