did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
