So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
