I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
