Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just threw up on my dentist
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
